It's 11:20, but my brain thinks it's 12:20. I'm really, really tired. And crippled. That's what I get for walking.
And so... I go to bed.
Happy Halloween to all and to all a good night.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
How Papa Johns Pissed Me Off
I ordered a pizza from Papa Johns for dinner tonight because after doing the dishes and thinking about all the laundry that I need to do tonight, I didn't want to cook. They delivered it 30 minutes late. Thirty minutes late! That's a lot of late, man. As I was getting on the phone to tell them to stop being dickheads about bringing me my pizza, the pizza boy knocked on the door. My pizza was lukewarm. And I still tipped him! Three dollars! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I don't even know. Also, Papa Johns breadsticks are just a joke. Will I never order pizza from Papa Johns again? I doubt that.
I bought today a thingie that amplifies the sounds from one's occupied uterus so that one may hear a tiny little baby heartbeat. So far, I haven't heard anything. This may be due to the position of the baby or just that I need to be a little farther along. I have, however, heard my own heart with it, as well as Saren's, Harper's, and the cat's. Yay!
I bought today a thingie that amplifies the sounds from one's occupied uterus so that one may hear a tiny little baby heartbeat. So far, I haven't heard anything. This may be due to the position of the baby or just that I need to be a little farther along. I have, however, heard my own heart with it, as well as Saren's, Harper's, and the cat's. Yay!
Friday, October 29, 2004
Whining about not seeing movies! Yay!
So yeah. I don't see movies anymore. I think the last movie we saw was Eternal Sunshine of the etc. And before that might have been the Harry Potter movie. Hm. Can't remember. I was thinking about how I used to see movies all the time. It seemed like there was always something out that I wanted to see and most things were good. I looked at the marquee at a movie theater today and of the movies I knew, it seemed like it was all crap. So, what I want to know is, which changed? Me or movies? Did movies all become crap or did I become old and crotchety?
Also, this Monday, there's a pretty good chance that the P@ and I are going to be going out on a date. A date! We haven't had one of those in a million years either. So we might go to the movies. So I'm asking for any recommendations. Anything out worth seeing?
Thus ends a very lame blog entry.
Coming soon: Something else! and I don't know what.
Also, this Monday, there's a pretty good chance that the P@ and I are going to be going out on a date. A date! We haven't had one of those in a million years either. So we might go to the movies. So I'm asking for any recommendations. Anything out worth seeing?
Thus ends a very lame blog entry.
Coming soon: Something else! and I don't know what.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Childbirth Pain
I'm not even going to talk about dinner today, because it sucks so much. I'm so incredibly tired today. I even had a super duper long nap during the Pokemon/Yugioh hours. And I'm still tired! I just want to sleep for a week.
Moving on:
The picture that we get of childbirth pain in this society is a pretty bad one, I think. Have you ever seen a television show or movie where a woman having a baby wasn't screaming her head off? I don't know. There might be less fatalistic portrayals, but the majority of laboring women on TV and in movies are sweating profusely, screaming in agony, swearing, telling their husbands that they will never let them touch them again (that's mostly in sit-coms), or a combination thereof.
When women who have had babies get together and talk of their experiences, there are inevitably horror stories. Sometimes it sounds like women are trying to one-up eachother on how much they went through, how much they suffered. When it comes to drugs in childbirth, I had heard second-hand that a lot of women will say, "You don't have to be a martyr, if the drugs are there, use them!" Then, one day, at a cousin's baby shower, I actually heard exactly that sentiment from a woman. I think it's all about perception. By using the word "martyr" aren't you automatically giving the pain of childbirth a lot of power over you? Aren't you, in effect, saying "this is going to be unbearable"?
I don't want this to be the only view that my girls (and boy, if we have one of those strange creatures) have of childbirth. Here are some of the things that I want them to know.
First, it's true that giving birth is not a picnic in the park. It's true that both of my labors and births were the most painful experiences in my life. However, like I said before, perception plays a huge role here. Fear plays a huge role. Fear increases pain and I think a huge part of what we are told about childbirth in this society is fear-inducing. And it's a different kind of pain. It's not like the kind of pain that you have when you cut yourself or break a bone. Those are breaking pains. Those are your body has a problem and it needs to heal itself pains. When you are having a child, your body is doing something that it is supposed to do. It's designed to do it (no matter what doctors say about that, but that's a different post). And it's productive pain. Every contraction brings your baby closer to being out in the world. I think there's a difference. And I think that a lot of our perception of pain comes from what we are holding in our minds when we are experiencing it. So, a woman thinking during labor, "I can't stand this, I need it to be over, get this child out, this is agony, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop" is going to have a harder time than a woman who is thinking, "Okay, that was tough, but it was a good one, that one will open me up a lot, and my baby will be here soon." I think the mind/body connection is very important to be aware of. Giving birth doesn't have to be like being on a runaway roller-coaster. In fact, it's very common for a woman's labor to slow down or stop completely upon arriving at the hospital because of the stress of the environment. There are cases of women in Nazi concentration camps who had year-long gestations because their bodies would not give birth in a place that their minds felt to be unsafe.
Secondly, I think it's important to note that there are some women who have painless births. Even if you don't have a painless birth, knowing that there are women out there who have had painless births is helpful to know because then you know that pain is not inevitable. It isn't just a given. And there are some who have had painful births followed by painless births, so it isn't just that they have wierd bodies or something. I've heard it described as "very, very intense, but not painful."
Then, I want them to know that pain is a lot more difficult to deal with when you are having a managed birth. In a hospital, they put you on a bed and they wrap a moniter belt around your waist and you must lie on your left side. You cannot get up, you cannot move to another side, you cannot do anything but lie there. (In most hospitals this is the case.) Movement can be very helpful with managing pain. Rocking and swaying can help. The position that you are in can help. Hospitals don't care about that though. They care about protocol and lawsuits. Even with a midwife, it is possible to have your position dictated to you, without your own instincts being listened to. In short, the best way to be able to manage your pain, is to actively manage your own pain. For you to be the one in charge. It's sometimes difficult for a woman in an attended labor to listen to her own instincts because when you are in labor, you are very open to suggestion. And anyway, who wants to be fighting with a nurse about whether or not you can get on your hands and knees and sway when you're in the midst of dealing with something so powerful? This is part of why I, personally, am going unassisted. This way, I can go inside myself, listen to my body and my baby, and not have any outside distractions from well-meaning people who think they know more about what's going on inside me than I do.
Also, in this category, a note about drugs. Painkilling drugs are not neccessarily the best option for pain management. Some of the drugs won't work on all women. Some of them are so mild that they do nothing but make you sleepy between contractions. That was my experience with Stadol. Being sleepy between contractions was more of a nuisance than any real help and I feel sure that had I been able to move around, I could've done a better job dealing with the pain than the Stadol did. An epidural can lead to a slowed or stalled labor. And since the drugs are in your system, they can't wait for it to pick up again because the baby would be in danger. They have to artificially augment it, usually with Pitocin. Pitocin makes for more painful contractions, and it isn't really very good for the baby. More painful contractions can lead to a baby that is in distress, which can lead to a c-section, or it can lead to the mom needing more painkilling drugs, which lead to more pitocin, etc., etc., etc. Most of the complications that happen in a hospital are iatrogenic, meaning caused by the interventions themselves. Many women come out of the hospital feeling grateful that the doctor saved their baby's life, not knowing that in a lot of cases, the baby wouldn't have been in danger if not for the doctor and his/her interventions in the first place.
The last thing I want them to know about is surrender. This one I can't talk about from experience, because I've never experienced a birth in which I surrendered to the pain and the sensations. This all has to do with fight or flight and how the uterus is a muscle and when you are afraid and tensed up, your uterus will not be getting the blood it needs to function properly, thus pain. It's more complicated than that, but the main point that I want to make is that in both of my labors, whenever a contraction would come, I would tense up and brace myself for it. I think if I can surrender to it and relax, I will feel less pain. It's something I will have to report back on.
It's getting closer and closer to when this baby must come out. There are three more months left and I know how fast three months can go, so my own fears and nervousness are starting to rear their heads. Sometimes I just stop and it hits me that this child has to actually come out of me. One of my biggest fears is that this labor will not be like the other two. They were both, I think, relatively easy and quick births. While I know that every pregnancy and birth are different, I sometimes wonder if I will panic if this one turns out to be more lengthy or more painful (say, if I had back labor due to a posterior baby).
In conclusion, I don't know. I think the real conclusion I want to make is that I wish we, as a society, were different about childbirth. I wish it was not seen as something to fear, but as something important, momentous, intense and ultimately something to relish, no matter what the pain situation really turned out to be like. I wish that more young women could be present during normal births. Not managed, scary, hospital births, but births in which the mom was powerful and in control. I wish we could still glean our wisdom about childbirth from older, more experienced women, rather than from the medical establishment, which doesn't neccessarily know as much as it thinks it does. I wish things were different.
Coming Soon: I whine about not seeing movies anymore and ...something else!
Moving on:
The picture that we get of childbirth pain in this society is a pretty bad one, I think. Have you ever seen a television show or movie where a woman having a baby wasn't screaming her head off? I don't know. There might be less fatalistic portrayals, but the majority of laboring women on TV and in movies are sweating profusely, screaming in agony, swearing, telling their husbands that they will never let them touch them again (that's mostly in sit-coms), or a combination thereof.
When women who have had babies get together and talk of their experiences, there are inevitably horror stories. Sometimes it sounds like women are trying to one-up eachother on how much they went through, how much they suffered. When it comes to drugs in childbirth, I had heard second-hand that a lot of women will say, "You don't have to be a martyr, if the drugs are there, use them!" Then, one day, at a cousin's baby shower, I actually heard exactly that sentiment from a woman. I think it's all about perception. By using the word "martyr" aren't you automatically giving the pain of childbirth a lot of power over you? Aren't you, in effect, saying "this is going to be unbearable"?
I don't want this to be the only view that my girls (and boy, if we have one of those strange creatures) have of childbirth. Here are some of the things that I want them to know.
First, it's true that giving birth is not a picnic in the park. It's true that both of my labors and births were the most painful experiences in my life. However, like I said before, perception plays a huge role here. Fear plays a huge role. Fear increases pain and I think a huge part of what we are told about childbirth in this society is fear-inducing. And it's a different kind of pain. It's not like the kind of pain that you have when you cut yourself or break a bone. Those are breaking pains. Those are your body has a problem and it needs to heal itself pains. When you are having a child, your body is doing something that it is supposed to do. It's designed to do it (no matter what doctors say about that, but that's a different post). And it's productive pain. Every contraction brings your baby closer to being out in the world. I think there's a difference. And I think that a lot of our perception of pain comes from what we are holding in our minds when we are experiencing it. So, a woman thinking during labor, "I can't stand this, I need it to be over, get this child out, this is agony, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop" is going to have a harder time than a woman who is thinking, "Okay, that was tough, but it was a good one, that one will open me up a lot, and my baby will be here soon." I think the mind/body connection is very important to be aware of. Giving birth doesn't have to be like being on a runaway roller-coaster. In fact, it's very common for a woman's labor to slow down or stop completely upon arriving at the hospital because of the stress of the environment. There are cases of women in Nazi concentration camps who had year-long gestations because their bodies would not give birth in a place that their minds felt to be unsafe.
Secondly, I think it's important to note that there are some women who have painless births. Even if you don't have a painless birth, knowing that there are women out there who have had painless births is helpful to know because then you know that pain is not inevitable. It isn't just a given. And there are some who have had painful births followed by painless births, so it isn't just that they have wierd bodies or something. I've heard it described as "very, very intense, but not painful."
Then, I want them to know that pain is a lot more difficult to deal with when you are having a managed birth. In a hospital, they put you on a bed and they wrap a moniter belt around your waist and you must lie on your left side. You cannot get up, you cannot move to another side, you cannot do anything but lie there. (In most hospitals this is the case.) Movement can be very helpful with managing pain. Rocking and swaying can help. The position that you are in can help. Hospitals don't care about that though. They care about protocol and lawsuits. Even with a midwife, it is possible to have your position dictated to you, without your own instincts being listened to. In short, the best way to be able to manage your pain, is to actively manage your own pain. For you to be the one in charge. It's sometimes difficult for a woman in an attended labor to listen to her own instincts because when you are in labor, you are very open to suggestion. And anyway, who wants to be fighting with a nurse about whether or not you can get on your hands and knees and sway when you're in the midst of dealing with something so powerful? This is part of why I, personally, am going unassisted. This way, I can go inside myself, listen to my body and my baby, and not have any outside distractions from well-meaning people who think they know more about what's going on inside me than I do.
Also, in this category, a note about drugs. Painkilling drugs are not neccessarily the best option for pain management. Some of the drugs won't work on all women. Some of them are so mild that they do nothing but make you sleepy between contractions. That was my experience with Stadol. Being sleepy between contractions was more of a nuisance than any real help and I feel sure that had I been able to move around, I could've done a better job dealing with the pain than the Stadol did. An epidural can lead to a slowed or stalled labor. And since the drugs are in your system, they can't wait for it to pick up again because the baby would be in danger. They have to artificially augment it, usually with Pitocin. Pitocin makes for more painful contractions, and it isn't really very good for the baby. More painful contractions can lead to a baby that is in distress, which can lead to a c-section, or it can lead to the mom needing more painkilling drugs, which lead to more pitocin, etc., etc., etc. Most of the complications that happen in a hospital are iatrogenic, meaning caused by the interventions themselves. Many women come out of the hospital feeling grateful that the doctor saved their baby's life, not knowing that in a lot of cases, the baby wouldn't have been in danger if not for the doctor and his/her interventions in the first place.
The last thing I want them to know about is surrender. This one I can't talk about from experience, because I've never experienced a birth in which I surrendered to the pain and the sensations. This all has to do with fight or flight and how the uterus is a muscle and when you are afraid and tensed up, your uterus will not be getting the blood it needs to function properly, thus pain. It's more complicated than that, but the main point that I want to make is that in both of my labors, whenever a contraction would come, I would tense up and brace myself for it. I think if I can surrender to it and relax, I will feel less pain. It's something I will have to report back on.
It's getting closer and closer to when this baby must come out. There are three more months left and I know how fast three months can go, so my own fears and nervousness are starting to rear their heads. Sometimes I just stop and it hits me that this child has to actually come out of me. One of my biggest fears is that this labor will not be like the other two. They were both, I think, relatively easy and quick births. While I know that every pregnancy and birth are different, I sometimes wonder if I will panic if this one turns out to be more lengthy or more painful (say, if I had back labor due to a posterior baby).
In conclusion, I don't know. I think the real conclusion I want to make is that I wish we, as a society, were different about childbirth. I wish it was not seen as something to fear, but as something important, momentous, intense and ultimately something to relish, no matter what the pain situation really turned out to be like. I wish that more young women could be present during normal births. Not managed, scary, hospital births, but births in which the mom was powerful and in control. I wish we could still glean our wisdom about childbirth from older, more experienced women, rather than from the medical establishment, which doesn't neccessarily know as much as it thinks it does. I wish things were different.
Coming Soon: I whine about not seeing movies anymore and ...something else!
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Observations on The Price is Right... and more!!!
So, lately the P@ has been turning on The Price is Right in the mornings. It's on at 10am and usually we don't wake up until 10:30 or later. But ever since we went camping, we've been waking up somewhat earlier. Here is what I have noticed about The Price is Right. It's an oooooooolllld show. In more ways than one! See, there's Bob Barker, who is about 100 and has a real problem with pet overpopulation (and obviously no one is listening to him about it or else he could've stopped telling people to spay and neuter their pets years ago). Bob Barker still uses a hand-held microphone with a long-ass cord that I'm always afraid people are going to trip over. And the set! It's the same as it was when the show started, I think. Nice bright oranges, yellows, and pinks. It seems like Goldie Hawn is going to jump out in a teensy little bikini sometimes. All of the games are still of the mechanical, or hand-operated variety instead of flashy and digital like other game shows. And almost all of the commercials are geared toward your geriatric set. Lots of medicine commercials, lots of medical insurance commercials, lots of electric wheelchair commercials. Metamucil. Stuff like that. But, strangely, the majority of the contestants are young. There are a lot of college kids. It's an odd show, it is.
Tonight I am making lasagna for dinner! Now you will know what I'm having for dinner every night. It's because I always write while I'm either in the midst of making it, or about to make it, and I'm very hungry and can't think of anything else.
Question: Is the baby the size of a small chicken? I have to actually go to babycenter.com (the center of the baby!) to be able to recall how big they said my baby is now. And what was the first thing I was greeted with? "Top pregnancy dangers and how to avoid them!!!" Ugh. Anyway, the baby is about 14 inches long now, from head to toe, and weighs almost 2 pounds. the chicken I made was less than 14 inches long, but weighed almost 4 pounds. So, yes. I mean, no! Let's just say yes, for simplicity's sake.
Coming soon: Childbirth pain and I whine about not seeing any movies anymore.
Tonight I am making lasagna for dinner! Now you will know what I'm having for dinner every night. It's because I always write while I'm either in the midst of making it, or about to make it, and I'm very hungry and can't think of anything else.
Question: Is the baby the size of a small chicken? I have to actually go to babycenter.com (the center of the baby!) to be able to recall how big they said my baby is now. And what was the first thing I was greeted with? "Top pregnancy dangers and how to avoid them!!!" Ugh. Anyway, the baby is about 14 inches long now, from head to toe, and weighs almost 2 pounds. the chicken I made was less than 14 inches long, but weighed almost 4 pounds. So, yes. I mean, no! Let's just say yes, for simplicity's sake.
Coming soon: Childbirth pain and I whine about not seeing any movies anymore.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Mmmmm.... chicken.
The chicken turned out very, very good! I am impressed with myself. And it was very easy. Yay! I'm thinking about it right now and I'm feeling very hungry again. Somehow I only write when I'm hungry now. Need to make tacos and burritos soon.
My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting to the point where I've got this pushing against my ribs feeling. Both Saren and Harper had a habit late in their gestations of resting their foot up by my ribs and it's not terribly comfortable. I don't know if what I've got here is a foot or simply the expanding of my uterus, but it's definitely something.
It's increasingly strange to think of this little mysterious person inside of me. I mean, I can feel the kicks and rolls and moving around of this person, but as of yet, we know nothing of him/her. What will his/her personality be like? It's a strange thing, gestating a human.
Coming soon: The Price is Right and childbirth pain.
My belly is getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting to the point where I've got this pushing against my ribs feeling. Both Saren and Harper had a habit late in their gestations of resting their foot up by my ribs and it's not terribly comfortable. I don't know if what I've got here is a foot or simply the expanding of my uterus, but it's definitely something.
It's increasingly strange to think of this little mysterious person inside of me. I mean, I can feel the kicks and rolls and moving around of this person, but as of yet, we know nothing of him/her. What will his/her personality be like? It's a strange thing, gestating a human.
Coming soon: The Price is Right and childbirth pain.
Monday, October 25, 2004
I Only Have Anything to Say When I go to the DMV
Which sucks, because I'm not going to go there for a while. Nyah! Bite me, DMV!
I think I'm going to start trying to blog daily, for no other reason than I want to bore people senseless. I'm generous that way! Also, I want to drum up some support for Two Girls in the World. Leave comments there! It makes me write more! Maybe it'll also make me less boring. I've always had trouble with that blog because it's like, how many times can I say "...and then Saren played MarioCart and Harper went on Neopets until we all went to bed"? I might also be constrained a bit because my family reads it. Or says they do.
I'm also going to try to write every day on that blog. Maybe this will be my version of NaNoWriMo! Or not.
I've been cleanin' all the live long day. Still not done. But! I'm going to make a roast chicken for dinner! Wish me luck. I have made a turkey, you know. I don't think I'll screw this up toooo much. Lordy, I'm hungry.
I think I'm going to start trying to blog daily, for no other reason than I want to bore people senseless. I'm generous that way! Also, I want to drum up some support for Two Girls in the World. Leave comments there! It makes me write more! Maybe it'll also make me less boring. I've always had trouble with that blog because it's like, how many times can I say "...and then Saren played MarioCart and Harper went on Neopets until we all went to bed"? I might also be constrained a bit because my family reads it. Or says they do.
I'm also going to try to write every day on that blog. Maybe this will be my version of NaNoWriMo! Or not.
I've been cleanin' all the live long day. Still not done. But! I'm going to make a roast chicken for dinner! Wish me luck. I have made a turkey, you know. I don't think I'll screw this up toooo much. Lordy, I'm hungry.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Un. Buh. Leev. Uh. Bull.
So, yeah. Driver's test didn't happen again. This time I got all the way out to the car with the lady though! So that's improvement, right? We apparently have a right brake light out and you can't take the test like that. Heaven forbid! So, I give up. Not forever, but for now. They say they keep your results from the written test on their computer for a year, so I'm going to put this whole thing out of my mind for a little while. Maybe take the test after the baby. Maybe after we get a new vehicle. I am defeated.
In other news, my back hurts. Whine, whine, whine. I like the show Lost a lot. It makes me happy. It makes me happy the way Alias used to make me happy. I hope it doesn't start sucking. I only like one word shows. You know; Lost, Alias, Angel, Buffy, Simpsons, PBS. Those are good shows. TV is good and so, soooo, very bad.
I have less than a hundred days left to gestate my child now. According to some, this means that I could go any time now!! Let's hope it's more like when there's about 30 days left. Here are things I still need for the baby. Cloth diapers and accessories (2 dozen chinese prefolds, ??? 6 ? diaper covers, a few wool soakers, wool longies (mysterious words!)), some more baby blankets, a few more clothing items, a car seat (five point, thank you very much!), two or more slings, aaaaaaaaand.... I think that's all. I don't think I'm going to be able to get this stuff until last minute though.
Hey, I know! You wanna know about the house? We're going to be buying this house! This piece of shit, hellhole, falling-apart, piss-me-off house! Yay! My ex-stepmother owns the house and she wants to sell it, so she's decided that she will sell it to us for half the market value. So, when we sell it in a couple of years (who the hell is going to buy it, we wonder), we'll have, like, money. To use for things. Like, possibly towards a different house in a different place. Most likely. There are other possibilities (enticing possibilities!), but even they wouldn't use up all the money and we would still have some toward a house in a different land. Maybe fabled Oregon. Also, our loan will be interest only so we will be paying even less than the reduced rent that we are paying to my dad right now. So we will have more money for things like... food! And other things we like! Like GameCubes! Yay! I'm not thrilled with the notion of this house being ours because I hate it so much, but I also kind of am. I mean, it's kind of weird.
Okay, done rambling now.
In other news, my back hurts. Whine, whine, whine. I like the show Lost a lot. It makes me happy. It makes me happy the way Alias used to make me happy. I hope it doesn't start sucking. I only like one word shows. You know; Lost, Alias, Angel, Buffy, Simpsons, PBS. Those are good shows. TV is good and so, soooo, very bad.
I have less than a hundred days left to gestate my child now. According to some, this means that I could go any time now!! Let's hope it's more like when there's about 30 days left. Here are things I still need for the baby. Cloth diapers and accessories (2 dozen chinese prefolds, ??? 6 ? diaper covers, a few wool soakers, wool longies (mysterious words!)), some more baby blankets, a few more clothing items, a car seat (five point, thank you very much!), two or more slings, aaaaaaaaand.... I think that's all. I don't think I'm going to be able to get this stuff until last minute though.
Hey, I know! You wanna know about the house? We're going to be buying this house! This piece of shit, hellhole, falling-apart, piss-me-off house! Yay! My ex-stepmother owns the house and she wants to sell it, so she's decided that she will sell it to us for half the market value. So, when we sell it in a couple of years (who the hell is going to buy it, we wonder), we'll have, like, money. To use for things. Like, possibly towards a different house in a different place. Most likely. There are other possibilities (enticing possibilities!), but even they wouldn't use up all the money and we would still have some toward a house in a different land. Maybe fabled Oregon. Also, our loan will be interest only so we will be paying even less than the reduced rent that we are paying to my dad right now. So we will have more money for things like... food! And other things we like! Like GameCubes! Yay! I'm not thrilled with the notion of this house being ours because I hate it so much, but I also kind of am. I mean, it's kind of weird.
Okay, done rambling now.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
[Charlie Brown]Aaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhh!!!!!!![/Charlie Brown]
I think I am Charlie Brown. Or at least the DMV thinks I am. Here's why I couldn't take the test today. That's right! I couldn't take the freaking test today either!!! My car is registered to Stephanie [maiden name] and my insurance is in my married name. They have to be the same. Never mind that it has never ever been a problem until just now. Including all the times that I have re-registered the car AND the time that Pat got pulled over because the taillight wasn't working. Yes, it was on the stupid list of requirements, but no, I didn't think about it until we were in the car on the way there. And even then I thought to myself, "Oh, it probably won't be a problem. After all, I am the same person." WRONG!!!! Because the DMV is a beauracracy and beauracracies are machines and machines are inflexible.
Is the universe trying to tell me that I shouldn't drive anymore? I came this close to just trading in my driver's license for a state id and saying, "Fuck it, driving is overrated anyway." And then, on the way home, I was firmly decided that if something kept me from getting my license renewed next time that I would listen to the universe and do exactly that. Now I'm not so sure. I hate that it's more complicated and problematic to not be able to drive than it is to drive. To not have a car than it is to have a car. They've only been in existence for a little over a hundred years and already we've shaped our lives around them. Shaped our cities and towns around them. To the extent that true choice about whether or not to be a driver doesn't really exist. Anyway, that's a different gripe.
I'm having a really irritating day. It's virtually impossible to find a small charcoal grill at any store in October.
And that's why I hate everything.
Is the universe trying to tell me that I shouldn't drive anymore? I came this close to just trading in my driver's license for a state id and saying, "Fuck it, driving is overrated anyway." And then, on the way home, I was firmly decided that if something kept me from getting my license renewed next time that I would listen to the universe and do exactly that. Now I'm not so sure. I hate that it's more complicated and problematic to not be able to drive than it is to drive. To not have a car than it is to have a car. They've only been in existence for a little over a hundred years and already we've shaped our lives around them. Shaped our cities and towns around them. To the extent that true choice about whether or not to be a driver doesn't really exist. Anyway, that's a different gripe.
I'm having a really irritating day. It's virtually impossible to find a small charcoal grill at any store in October.
And that's why I hate everything.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Oh My!
I haven't written for a long time.
I finished reading Stardust. I liked it pretty good! It was nice and pleasant and short and uninvolved. Perfect for my brain right now. Today we went to the library and I got American Gods. I opened it up and my brain was a little bit disappointed because it's longer and more involved and less fairy-tale-like! Oh well. I started reading it and like it so far and my brain isn't protesting yet. I don't think it will.
Tomorrow is my driver's test. Every time I think about it, it makes me crazy. It's probably raising my blood pressure, which isn't a good thing at this point, because the last two times I checked my bp, it was not in the normal range. I'm trying to work on taking it easy, eating more protein, and getting plenty of water to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, but this is definitely not helping. Firstly, I'm just irritated that I have to take it at all. Stupid, retarded misleading website... grumble, grumble. But also, I have this incredibly irritating fear of not passing. Yes, I know I have 15 years of driving experience. But still! I don't follow all the rules when I'm driving! I don't turn into the corresponding lane and I don't use my turn signal all the time. What if my slackerly driving habits crop up whilst I am trying to drive observed? Bleah, bleah, bleah! I hate it! I'm trying not to think about it until I have to do it and then at about 1pm tomorrow, it'll all be over and I won't have to think about it again ever. Assuming I'm smart enough to never let it lapse that long again.
I finished reading Stardust. I liked it pretty good! It was nice and pleasant and short and uninvolved. Perfect for my brain right now. Today we went to the library and I got American Gods. I opened it up and my brain was a little bit disappointed because it's longer and more involved and less fairy-tale-like! Oh well. I started reading it and like it so far and my brain isn't protesting yet. I don't think it will.
Tomorrow is my driver's test. Every time I think about it, it makes me crazy. It's probably raising my blood pressure, which isn't a good thing at this point, because the last two times I checked my bp, it was not in the normal range. I'm trying to work on taking it easy, eating more protein, and getting plenty of water to make sure it doesn't get out of hand, but this is definitely not helping. Firstly, I'm just irritated that I have to take it at all. Stupid, retarded misleading website... grumble, grumble. But also, I have this incredibly irritating fear of not passing. Yes, I know I have 15 years of driving experience. But still! I don't follow all the rules when I'm driving! I don't turn into the corresponding lane and I don't use my turn signal all the time. What if my slackerly driving habits crop up whilst I am trying to drive observed? Bleah, bleah, bleah! I hate it! I'm trying not to think about it until I have to do it and then at about 1pm tomorrow, it'll all be over and I won't have to think about it again ever. Assuming I'm smart enough to never let it lapse that long again.
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